Thursday, November 26, 2009

A View on Extramarital affair

The other night this week, I caught up with some old colleagues to chit-chat. Three of us are married men, and the other one is a single female. We had a good time chatting in a bar, various subjects, one linked to another, were brought up. I had a good time there, cos it is nice to see some old faces to see how things are going, not just for them, but to learn news of other folks that we know as well….

One of the topics that came up was about extramarital affair. We all three men similarly voiced out that we would not get into an affair while we are married. Well, some readers may say that any man vows not to do it is exactly the one who will. I can’t speak for others, though based on what I knew about my ex-colleagues, they don’t seem to be the kind that will get into affair with other women. Anyway, we did voice out our opinions why we won’t do it.

Firstly, we find that handling a woman is already a tough job. Handling means making the relationship smooth and pleasant (or able to live with at least). We all thinks that handling a second one would take much more than double the current effort. Cos, the premise is that if you are into cheating, you need to have very good memory on what you have said to whom. If you tell a lie (most likely you have to in order to cover your tracks), you will most likely need to create another to cover it. If it becomes a relationship, just think about how many things you might have said all through the year! You just can’t keep check of so many things in your head. Also, women have relatively better memory and more suspicious mind. They can sniff on clues for any slippage of tongue. That’s tough to lie for long.

Secondly, we thought that only men with certain characteristics can and will cheat. It is not necessary to do with their financial status or appearance. We didn’t go deep to figure out what those characteristics are; we just think that none of us fit such mold. Come to think of it. I kinda buy the idea that ‘cheating men’ are different. I heard it before that women and men are like fishes and cats. I.e. which cat doesn’t eat fish? The analogy is only partially right. I’m a normal man (I think). I like woman. I like to look at beautiful things and human beings. Certainly, if by any chance, I came across beautiful women on the street or something, I will look at them. But for me, same as what I told my wife, that’s about it. For men, looking at women doesn’t mean they will think about them and fantasizing them afterwards. Even for those who will fantasizing them, it doesn’t mean they will carry any actions to follow up in reality. Let alone trying to meet those women, wooing them, having an affair with them, etc. That applies to both married and single men, I think.

Some times, it has something to do with the financial status and the appearance of the men, cos they make a difference on whether it would be easier to have an affair or not provide that he REALLY wants it. However, it is all in the mind of the men.

In my opinion, the first thing is about what is the priority of the man. Cos, having an affair is very resource-consuming. Unless, he put having an affair with a woman as a high, very high priority, he easily can find many other hobbies, interests to spend money and time on. Yes, many men who are the so-called ‘geeks’ or ‘nerds’ have talent and are good in certain hobbies or interests, are difficult to find women. It could be a chicken-and-egg situation. In fact, many geeks or nerds are also married men as well. So, it’s not like all geeks can’t find women, so they don’t have affairs. They are just simply happy with what they have and not going out looking for more.

I think men that are relatively prone to cheat are those so called ‘lady’s men’ or ‘sweet-talkers’. They may not be rich or handsome. They just know women better and generally get along with women really well. Well, I think it is a major character, but having that character only means that they can cheat easier than others - doesn’t mean they will cheat. Many men in ‘people’ business have such character and skill with women. That’s how they can survive and succeed in their careers. Certainly, I think having such character is just like having a knife. It doesn’t make you to stab someone simply because you have a knife. Actually, after reading the book ‘Tipping Point’, trying to borrow a thought form from it, there gotta be a ‘Tipping Point’ to make that man cheat. For that to happen, it would really be case by case. Maybe that man is not happy with his marriage, maybe he wants some challenges, maybe he want to have a revenge on his wife, etc.

I don’t know about others, I just think that cheating in marriage is just not right. Cos, just thinking about if the opposite of my wife cheats on me. That really hurt! Why would you want to do something to hurt someone that you love? If you don’t love that person, why you marry her? If you think that you loved her before, but not anymore. Then, why are you still with her? That wastes her time and yours! Instead, you should try to work on the relationship, to fix it, to make it up, to make things work again! Rather than going out to seek someone else, we should think about the commitment that we made to get marry in the first place. Also, we should think about the good times that you and your partner have together. If you really want to fix it and tell her about it, the subsequent effort to be put would be worthy and the return could be even more than you expect. If things don’t work out, then depart from each other peacefully after sorting out logistics. Mutually wish good luck and move on. Don’t get things messy and ugly, I doubt that’s what anyone in the relationship wants.

Looking from another angle, what are men really looking for at the end of the day in an affair? Love?hm…..maybe…if there is really love at the end, most likely is not the original intention. Most men who want to cheat will go for younger prettier women for the sake of ‘scoring’. I would guess in many cases, the cheating man would not treat the woman on equal basis, but regarding her as an object that is dumb and to be easily manipulated. The cheating man only thinks about what he wants and doesn’t think that the woman does have a mind of her own. He may use his ‘resources’, i.e. time, money, lies, to charm her to give him what he wants. After that, when he realized that the woman also wants something which are mostly likely not what he has thought (if ever) she wants. Then, he will realize that he is in ‘deep shit’. That’s also when things turn ugly for everybody involve.

If a man thinks, I mean ‘THINKS’, about what are the pros and cons of having an affair, what would be the possible consequences and their respective possibilities, he most likely won’t cheat in the first place. Can the quick fun really outweigh the troubles that have to go through, the resources that have to spend, and the potential risks on cheating your wife? I don’t know about others, such deal is ‘no go’ for me.

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