Out of my busy schedule, I was very surprise that I could squeeze time to
finish reading this e-book:
How to Win Friends and Influence
People by Dale Carnegie
Instead of talking about how I found this book inspiring and useful, I'm
just gonna paste some extracts that I made on this book below.
These are highlights that I
made while reading this book. I will certainly revisit them often in coming
days as a way of self-improvement. This is indeed a great book! Can't help but
recommending to everyone who love reading. It is not a difficult read, for mere
220+ pages, it is a great source of knowledge and wisdom that are as valid
today as back then in the 1920s. Here you go....
Learning is an active process. We learn by doing.
Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the
defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.
Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious
pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often
incur resentment.
The person we are going to correct and condemn will probably
justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return.
“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,”
said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing
with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures
bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
The secret of his success? “I will speak ill of no man,” he
said, " . . and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most
fools do.
But it takes character and self-control to be under-standing
and forgiving.
“A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way
he treats little men.”
Often parents are tempted to criticize their children.
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them.
Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do.
“To know all is to
forgive all.”
“God himself, sir,
does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.”
Why should you and I?
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do
anything. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you
what you want.
The deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be
important."
"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving
to be appreciated.”
People sometimes became invalids in order to win sympathy
and attention, and get a feeling of importance.
“the greatest asset I
possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation
and encouragement.
“There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a
person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize any- one. I believe in
giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find
fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my
praise. “
Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first
John D. Rockefeller’s success in handling men.
We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never
let them know we appreciate them.
I love you the way you are.’
We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and
employees, but how seldom do we nourish their selfesteem?
The difference between appreciation and flattery?
That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere.
One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out.
One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other
universally condemned.
Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and
begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to
flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of
the mouth,
Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental
interest and approval.
What applies to professionals applies doubly to workers in
offices, shops and factories and our families and friends. In our interpersonal
relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and
hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.
Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude
on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of
friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule
failed.
Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never
called for.
I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I
can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.
Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants.
Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery.
Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your
approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and
treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime - repeat them years after you
have forgotten them.
So the only way cm earth to influence other people is to
talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Every act you have ever performed since the day you were
born was performed because you wanted something.
First, arouse in the other person an eager want.
The only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what
the other person wants.
Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something.
Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to
do it?”
"If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the
ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that
person’s angle as well as from your own.”
And if salespeople can show us how their services or
merchandise will help us solve our problems, they won’t need to sell us. We’ll
buy. And customers like to feel that they are buying - not being sold.
So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others
has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.
If out of reading this book you get just one thing - an
increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view,
and see things from their angle - if you get that one thing out of this book,
it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.
When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others
think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves.
One can win the attention and time and cooperation of even
the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do
things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and
thoughtfulness.
A show of interest, as with every other principle of human
relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the
interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way
street-both parties benefit.
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like
you, You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”
Encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than
punishment.”
People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing
it.
You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them
to have a good time meeting you.
I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now trying to
see the other person’s viewpoint. And these things have literally
revolutionized my life. I am a totally different man, a happier man, a richer
man, richer in friendships and happiness - the only things that matter much
after all.”
“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and
feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more
direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is
not.
Every body in the world is seeking happiness - and there is
one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness
doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or
what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
It is what you think about it.
“most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds
to be.”
Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that
they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix
names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for themselves; they are too
busy.
Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most
obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names
and making people feel important - yet how many of us do it?
Simple. If he didn’t
hear the name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.”
Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?”
During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the
name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s
features, expression and general appearance.
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and
realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with
whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it
makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or
the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the
situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior
executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.
Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is
very important.
So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an
attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other
persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their
accomplishments.
The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the
things he or she treasures most.
I got the feeling that I had done something for him without
his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that
flows and sings in your memory lung after the incident is past.
will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But
the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law
is this: Always make the other person feel important.
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be
appreciated.”
“I’m sorry to trouble you,.. “Would you be so kind as to
----? " "Won't you please?” " Would you mind?” “Thank you” -
little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday
life- and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.
Almost everyone considers himself important, very important.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet
feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is
to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and
recognize it sincerely.
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for
hours .”
In a Nutshell SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
PRINCIPLE 1 Become genuinely interested in other people.
PRINCIPLE 2 Smile.
PRINCIPLE 3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person
the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
PRINCIPLE 4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk
about themselves.
PRINCIPLE 5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
PRINCIPLE 6 Make the other person feel important-and do it
sincerely.
Come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high
heaven to get the best of an argument - and that is to avoid it .
Buddha said: “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by
love," and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact,
diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s
viewpoint.
Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first
natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful.
Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst,
not your best.
Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a
person by what makes him or her angry.
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them
finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers.
Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher
barriers of misunderstanding.
Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents
out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
Be honest, Look for areas where you can admit error and say
so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce
defensiveness.
Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them
carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right.
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone
who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you
are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your
opponents into friends.
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the
problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day,
when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask
yourself some hard questions:
Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or
merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the
problem, or will it just relieve any frustration?
Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw
them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of
me? Will I win or lose?
What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about
it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity
for me?
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know
it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to
find it within himself.
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them
so.
One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.
"I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the
facts.”
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be
wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair
and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he,
too, may be wrong.
I adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive,’ ‘I apprehend, ’ or
‘I imagine’ a thing to be so or so, or ‘it so appears to me at present.’
"I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished
and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or
she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and
making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.”
Never say, "You're wrong.”
I am at fault and there is absolutely no excuse for my
blunder.
" ‘I should have been more careful,’… and you deserve
the best;
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the
courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and
defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most
fools do - but it
raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of
nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
‘If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.’
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and
tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong - and that will be
surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves - let’s admit our mistakes
quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing
results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances,
than trying to defend oneself.
The points on which we differ are few and the points on
which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor
and the desire to get together, we will get together.”
So with men, if you would win a man to you cause, first
convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that
catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.
Friendly remarks as: “It will be for the jury to consider,”
“This may perhaps be worth thinking of,” " Here are some facts that I
trust you will not lose sight of,” or “You, with your knowledge of human
nature, will easily see the significance of these facts.”
In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things
on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the
things on which you agree.
Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving
for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of
purpose.
It is much more profitable and much more interesting to look
at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying
‘yes, yes.' “
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt.
But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you
while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So
listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to
express their ideas fully.
“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want
friends, let your friends excel you.”
Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions - and let the other
person think out the conclusion?
Consulting them about their wishes and desires was just the
shot in the arm they needed.”
No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold some-
thing or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our
own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our
wishes, our wants, our thoughts.
I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he
was creating the designs. And he was. I didn’t have to sell him. He bought.”
They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improve
them. So we should be deeply obligated to you if you could find time to look
them over and give us your ideas about how they can be made more serviceable to
your profession.
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they
don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand
them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he
does. Ferret out that reason - and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to
his personality .
Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic
grasp of the other persons’ viewpoint.”
"Cooperativeeness in conversation is achieved when you
show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as
your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or
direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want
to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will
encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.” *
Seeing things through another person’s eyes may ease
tensions when personal problems become overwhelming.
Why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole
thing through from another person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should he
or she want to do it?” True, this will take time, but it will avoid making
enemies and will get better results - and with less friction.
I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s
office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a
perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that persob - from my
knowledge of his or her interests and motives - was likely to answer.
"I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I
were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering
and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
I assure you that you were not one-tenth as distressed as I
am.
‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is in some
measure, practically a universal practice.”
J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical
interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that
sounds good and a real one.
have taught me something about human nature , and I sized
you up in the first place as being a man of your word.
I give you my word I will accept your decision as final. I
will privilege you to move and admit to myself I’ve been wrong in my judgment.
But I still believe you’re a man of your word and will live up to your
contract.
Nothing will work in all cases - and nothing will work with
all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why
change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?
"I want you to know I also feel this matter has been
badly mishandled. You’ve been inconvenienced and annoyed and irritated by one
of our representatives. That should never have happened. I’m sorry and, as a
representative of the company, I apologize.
As I sat here and listened to your side of the story, I
could not help being impressed by your fairness and patience.
I am going to ask you to do something for me. It’s something
that you can do better than anyone else, something you know more about than
anyone else.
When no information can be secured about the customer, the
only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere,
honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced
they are correct.
Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be
made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship.
“The way to get things done,” say Schwab, “is to stimulate
competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to
excel.”
The one major factor that motivated people was the work
itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to
doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves: the game.
The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or
her worth, to excel, to win. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of
importance.
importance.
PRINCIPLE 12 Throw down a challenge.
I n a N u t s h e l l WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
PRINCIPLE 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is
to avoid it.
PRINCIPLE 2 Show respect for the other person’s opinions.
Never say, “You’re wrong.”
PRINCIPLE 3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and
emphatically.
PRINCIPLE 4 Begin in a friendly way.
PRINCIPLE 5 Get the other person saying “yes, yes”
immediately.
PRINCIPLE 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the
talking.
PRINCIPLE 7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his
or hers.
PRINCIPLE 8 Try honestly to see things from the other
person’s point of view.
PRINCIPLE 9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and
desires.
PRINCIPLE 10 Appeal to the nobler motives.
PRINCIPLE 11 Dramatize your ideas.
PRINCIPLE 12 Throw down a challenge.
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we
have heard some praise of our good points.
And by continuing the same conscientious efforts
“You might consider this,” or “Do you think that would
work?”
” He always gave people the opportunity to do things
themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let
them learn from their mistakes.
A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct
errors. A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a
feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it
often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more
likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused
the order to be issued.
You were on the spot, but you came through with flying
colors, and we want you to know the firm is proud of you. You’ve got the stuff
- you’re going a long way, wherever you’re working. This firm believes in you,
and is rooting for you, and we don’t want you to forget it.’
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely
wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks
of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires
the other person to keep on improving.
Singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just
making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to
the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise
is specific, it comes across as sincere - not something the other person may be
saying just to make one feel good.
We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do
almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
I realized I hadn’t given you the entire picture of our new
line, and I would appreciate some of your time to tell you about the points I
omitted. I have respected the fact that you are always willing to listen and
are big enough to change your mind when the facts warrant a change.”
I thought I’d take the time to thank you for the fine job of
x you’ve been doing.
Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy
to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it,
that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn
comes in the window in order to excel.
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you
suggest.
behavior:
1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot
deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits
to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person
really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing
what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will
convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. We could
give a curt order like this: " John, we have customers coming in tomorrow
and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out, put the stock in neat
piles on the shelves and polish the counter.” Or we could express the same idea
by showing John the benefits he will get from doing the task: “John, we have a
job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t be faced
with it later. I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities.
I would like to show them the stockroom, but it is in poor shape. If you could
sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the
counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to
provide a good company image.”
PRINCIPLE 1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
PRINCIPLE 2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
PRINCIPLE 3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing
the other person.
PRINCIPLE 4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
PRINCIPLE 5 Let the other person save face.
PRINCIPLE 6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise
every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
PRINCIPLE 7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live
up to.
PRINCIPLE 8 Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to
correct.
PRINCIPLE 9 Make the other person happy about doing the
thing you suggest.
